Profile of a Hardcore Gamer

Whenever the word "Gamer" is mentioned, the effect and impact of it is rather obvious to the surrounding listeners. More often than not, this word carries the social stigma of a pariah.

The opposite sex always ignores this group at social gatherings. Males usually make up the majority of this afflicted group, and this stereotype is easily filled out with images of teenage boys who are whizz kids at computers and games but that is is where the compliments stop.

The list of cons is rather long but you cannot run away from that stereotype, particulary if your face is a constant battleground between Oxy and bacteria, dishevelled hair, thick convex glasses, and a stooping posture.

You come out top in any server and any game that you touch is completed within a matter of hours. Alas, all that mad skills come with a price. Life is not a free lunch anyway, so let us take a look at the various characteristics of a hardcore gamer.

You will learn to see that the basic needs of a hardcore gamer differ vastly from that we consider normal. They only need a broadband connection, the latest and meanest gaming rig, a cool, dark room to ply their trade, a telephone or handphone beside them to call for pizza delivery, and a nearby makeshift toilet.

Now let's look at the physical aspects of a gamer.
Overall physique. Gamers are usually thin, small framed and fair skinned due to lack of proper nourishment and exposure to the outside world. Some of them have frames that put Ethiopians to shame. This is definitely a market where weight gain formulae companies are trying to win over- if only they can separate the human from the computer. The next time you walk past any cybercafes, take a peek inside. you would have to be inside the premises to actually see the denizens as the glass doors are heavily tinted.

Take a torchlight with you as the only light you'll see come from the monitors and handphones screens whenever a sms or call is received. Oh the occasional light from outside due to the opening and closing of the doors does little to tan these photosensitive characters.

Brain. Still the most powerful computer known to man, the brain of a gamer, is more evolved as compared to the regular peoples.(Note: No medical tests nor scientific data have backed up this claim.)

I believed the synapses of a gamer's brain are shorter, thus leading to lightning-fast thinking speed and raw processing power to adept to various conditions within the game, hence allowing the gamer to change strategies should unforseen circumstances crop up.

Although wired and primed for games, the gamer's brain is usually underdeveloped when it comes when it comes to socialising with human counterparts. Often processing, "How many engineers does it take to change a light bulb?" jokes with ease, this brain meets its match in the form of communal communication in the flesh. They often slammer in low voice with downcast eyes, displaying a self-confident that is in stark contrast with their online counterparts.

Eyes. The eyes of the gamer usually require visual aid of some sort. Thick lenses on a bespectacled face are a dead giveaway.

Years of intensive training in front of the computer screen have deteriorated those radiation-plague corneas and irises. Squinting is not uncommon as hardcore gamers love to play in the dark, with volume cranked up to get the environmental audio enhancement that games offer. Some might even suffer from involuntary squinting and twitches around the bloodshot eyes from lack of sleep.

Eye bags decorate the face of these hardcore gamers, and the post-pubescent group will often sport an unsightly five-0'clock shadow at best, a mass of thick undergrowth from the ears downwards at worst. Defenitely a conversation starter, but ineffective when it comes to turning on the charms of the opposite sex.

Ears. Varies and looks like the pair of ears that can belong to anyone else. It is one aspect of the hardcore gamer that helps his kind to blend in with the rest of the population.

Upon closer inspection, one would find ear wax dropping out at frequent intervals due to neglect, and a select few would even have hair sprouting in all directions.

The cochlea and ear drums have undergone intensive "training" under the tutelage of the latest, state-of-the-art sound system offered by the likes of Altec Lansing and logitech. The hardcore gamer suffers from a chronic case of tinnitus, and more often than not, his favourite phrase during real-life conversations is, "come again?".

Hair. Tousled, scruffy hair with dandruff in certain cases. Oily due to the lack of washes that the hair receives, gamers like to sport long hair because not only is it cool but it is cheaper to maintain as well. A trip to the salon every few months definitely saves some dollars that can be spent on the latest game or to settle the latest electric bill, for a power cut is considered a fate worse than death.

Some like to tie up their greasy hair while others, like John Romero, go to great lengths to protect their mane of glory.

Other than mad gaming skills, hardcore gamers with meticulously long tresses would rate their crowning glory as their second most prized asset. Attraction or freak, the females will have to decide on this one. Looks are, afterall, subjective.

Hands.Calluces, long crooked fingers, thin arms, badly chewed nails, blisters, the hardcore gamer must have at least two of the symptoms mentioned.

Bisters are worn like stripes, and the bigger ones elicit more response and respect from his peers.

The console gamers are the ones who keep companies like handiplast in business for decades with new blisters popping up through vigorous use of joyspads.

In place of badly bitten nails, some of them possess nails that can rival the neighbourhood Ah Lians.

Most of the gamers keep an extremely long nail on the pinky for no apparent reason. Recent surveys have shown that "I keep a long nail on my pinky because i like it that way" seems to be the winner amid the plethora of responses.

I suspect the nail is used to relieve its owner of a waxclogged passageway in the ear or to relieve the California Gold Rush of '49 in the moist, comfortable conditions of their honker. A disgusting thought either way.

Madam palm and her five sisters have an ace up their sleeve - Super-fast reflexes. The hardcore gamer needs them to survive in this dog-eat-dog world.

A slightly slow reaction can result in the turn of the tide, and whenever involved, the hands, eyes, and brain seem to work as a unit cohesively without any glitch.

The weird part?

Glitches only come after the gaming session is over.

(Note: This article is not meant to offend any party, it is written in a satirical manner because i am a gamer myself, and am pretty hardcore when it comes to CoD4. No bytes were harm in the process of concorting this article.)