Growing Up

Growing up is so profoundly difficult that most people choose not to go through with it.

I’ve learned that losing in love is a vital part of growing up. First you have to be convinced that the world has never seen a love like yours even though it involves a lot of time hanging around in coffee shops playing with packets of sugar. Then the love has to end so you realize not all women love you as unconditionally as your mother.

Next, there’s the economic wake-up call when you can’t find the tree on which the money grows and you’re forced to get a job. That’s when peer-group pressure suddenly becomes what you feel in a crowded commuter train.

To grow up, it is essential to put your entire wardrobe in a backpack and go somewhere big on scenery and low on social security. On your trip, you’ll need to have a brief and unsuitable relationship, some form of bodily mutilation such as tattoo, piercing or in my case a bad haircut. You will also need to get shockingly ripped off by someone who is doing you the big favour of showing you that it’s a big bad world out there without your mum and dad.

Obviously, you need to leave home to discover that toilets are not self-cleaning, that the magical missing link between shopping and eating is cooking, and that your parents were not put on earth simply to embarrass you in front of your mates.There are also certain things you need to have under your belt to qualify as a grown up such as using an automatic ticket barrier without fear, refused a swig of cider from a plastic bottle, and 90% of your toys in the attic.

Growing up, is when you understand that you get what you give, not what you’re given. Then you realize that you only get something if you’ve already got it. In work, love and money, everyone has a build-in credit status. You may not know what it is, but like a low sperm count, it can profoundly affect your future.

The really tough one to learn is that if you really, really want something you have to let it go (it doesn’t apply to helium-filled balloons)

Finally you can test how grown-up you are by your position in a double-decker bus. Kids at top front, teenagers top back, grown-ups top middle, older adults bottom back, really old people bottom front. - Guy.B.